I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
