I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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