My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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