he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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