as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
