it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
