My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
