You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
