I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
