Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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