mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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