the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
