I am in a vortex of obligation.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
