i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
