I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
