awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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