R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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