i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
