Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
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He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
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Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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