I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
