Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
