I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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