im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Randomize
