I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
