I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
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WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
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It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I have aggressive nipples.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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