I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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