I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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