dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
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