don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
