we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm both gender and math confused
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