Apparently you make a good broom.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
