hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
