remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
