I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
