but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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