Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
