I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
