He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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