I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
