Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
