All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
