I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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