I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
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