I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
