last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
whose parrot is this?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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