put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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