So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
