my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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