On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
