Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
