how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
