hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
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thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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