I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
