I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
he fucked my hip out of place.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
