By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
