Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
