So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize