We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
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I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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