if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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