i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
