Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Drunk is not a location!
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
